


The Gang Averts a Zombie Apocalypse

by Magic_8ball (Nevermore)



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-19
Updated: 2009-12-19
Packaged: 2017-10-04 15:19:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/31668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nevermore/pseuds/Magic_8ball
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mac and Charlie start preparing for the inevitable zombie apocalypse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Gang Averts a Zombie Apocalypse

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Benthic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Benthic/gifts).



> As part of her request, Benthic wrote (either tragically or helpfully, depending on what she think of the final product), "I am not fond of randomness where the characters are attacked by zombie squirrels on Christmas and they all become Christmas zombies and--!" And so here we are... at least there aren't any squirrels.

'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia' is a copyright of Bluebrush Productions, 3 Art Entertainment, RCH, and FX Television Network. This piece is not intended for any profit on the part of the writer, nor is it meant to detract from the commercial viability of the aforementioned or any other copyrights. Any similarity to any events or persons, either real or fictional, is unintended.  
   
   


………………………………………………………  
   
   
   
3:45 PM  
   
   
On a Monday  
   
   
Philadelphia, PA

  
   
   
"So then the big guy's tiny little friend starts screaming out the Eagles chant," Dennis says, his jaw clenched as he recalls the incident.

"How tiny a friend are we talking?" Mac asks. "Is he, like, just smaller than the big guy, so he looks little in comparison, or is he a full-on midget like that guy at Club Risq --"

"What's the Eagles chant?" Dee interrupts.

Both Dennis and Mac look at her in disbelief, then glance sideways at each other, simultaneously trying to figure out whether Dee is joking and determining which of them is going to have to waste the breath necessary to answer her question if she isn't.

"It's the cheer that Eagles fans scream out at the Linc," Dennis finally tells her.

"And most anywhere else when they've been drinking," Mac adds.

"The Eagles," Dee says. "Like, the band? The 'Desperado' and 'Hotel California' guys?"

"No, the Philadelphia Eagles," Mac says impatiently.

"Is it a sports team?" Dee asks. "Are they new?"

"Are they new?!" Dennis practically shouts. "Are you dropping acid again? Don't you remember last time, when you ended up throwing rolled-up dollar bills at that bus-full of—" The rest of his words are drowned out when the front door of the pub is thrown open, smashing against the wall and sending a deafening boom reverberating through the bar.

"Charlie!" Dee shouts, her questions about the Eagles suddenly forgotten. "What have we told you about the door?"

"Dude, you're gonna bust another hole in the wall," Mac complains.

"None of that's important," Charlie replies, gasping for breath. "We have to get ready!"

"Ready for what?" Mac asks

"This morning, I found this in the hall outside my front door," Charlie explains, holding up a small, paperback book.

"What the hell is that?" Mac asks.

"It's a book," Dee says. "Some people use them as sources of information or amusement."

Mac shoots her a caustic look, silently searching for a suitable response, when Charlie dashes closer. And then Mac can see the title – The Zombie Survival Handbook.

"Oh my God, Charlie… where did you get that?" Mac asks. He snatches the book from Charlie's grasp, immediately leafing through the pages, as if he can absorb the arcane knowledge within through the process of osmosis.

"Like I said, it was just outside my door," Charlie says.

"So it was like a sign or something," Mac replies.

"I've already read it twice," Charlie says.

"Really?"

"Well, I skimmed over it and looked at the pictures a couple of times," Charlie clarifies. "But it was enough to figure out what we have to do."

"What do you mean?" Mac asks.

"Charlie," Dee interrupts, stifling a chuckle, "That's no--"

"We have to be ready when the dead start rising and try to eat our flesh!" Charlie shouts.  
   
   


**The Gang Averts a Zombie Apocalypse**

  
   
   
"Okay, what else can we get here?" Mac asks, lowering his shoulder and leaning in against the Home Depot shopping cart. The wheels creak under the weight of assorted hand tools, bricks, and lumber, but the cart finally starts to roll down the aisle.

"You're sure they don't have shotguns?" Charlie asks for the third time.

"No guns, no ammo," Mac assures him.

"Machetes?"

"Pretty sure they don't have those, either."

"Then let's go to the crowbar aisle," Charlie decides.

"Crowbars?" Dennis asks warily. "What for?"

"They're one of the ideal weapons for fighting zombies," Charlie explains. "All you need to do is destroy the brain, and what's better for caving in a skull than a slightly curved bar made out of steel? It doesn't have an edge that would dull like a machete, and it never runs out of bullets. You can even use the pointy part to stab them in the eye."

"That's good thinking."

"Yeah, at first I was all about guns, too," Charlie admits. "But Dennis was looking through the book when I stopped by the bar this morning, and he pointed out that it looked like crowbars might be the best weapons around."

"But how about a chainsaw?" Mac asks. "That would cut up zombies like there's no tomorrow."

"Until you run out of gas," Charlie points out. "No… low tech is the way to go, my friend."

"Then crowbars it is," Mac agrees. He pulls the cart to a sudden halt and stares at Charlie. "We're still getting shotguns, though. Right?"

"And a rocket launcher if we can," Charlie agrees. "Maybe some grenades, too. But crowbars first, so we know we'll always have a weapon."

"You're a wise man, Charlie."  
   
   


*     *     *     *     *

  
   
   
"No, you guys just don't get it," Frank says wearily. He knows that as the oldest and wisest man in the bar he should show more patience, but sometimes it's hard.

"Hey, I get it," Dennis assures him.

"Not too complicated at all," Mac agrees. He, Dennis, and Frank all turn and look at Dee condescendingly, eliciting a venomous scowl in response.

"I get it," Dee insists. "It just doesn't make any sense!"

"What part?" Frank asks.

"Oh, let's see, maybe the part where you try to steal a fire engine," Dee says. "What if there's an emergency?"

"Like if a cat is caught in a tree," Mac offers. He can't help but think that maybe Dee actually has a point.

"Right, like a cute, fuzzy little kitten is caught in a tree, and there's no fire engine to get it out," Dee explains.

"The fire engine isn't part of the tradition," Frank says. "That was just a spur of the moment thing last year. That doesn't always happen."

"Really?" Dee asks.

"Really," Frank assures her. "Like the year before that, we swiped every ambulance in Northeast Philly. Drove them around getting chased by the cops the whole night."

"I remember that," Dennis says. "Wasn't that the same night of the nightclub fire up in Northeast?"

"Yeah, but that was a coincidence," Frank said. "We didn't start a fire that year. Besides, most of the people died because 9-1-1 took forever to get help there."

"So how can we get into this club?" Mac asks.

"It's not a club," Frank says scoldingly. "The Knights of Chaos is a social organization with deep roots in this city. The Solstice Moot is a proud tradition with a long, distinguished history."

"Hey!" Charlie shouts as he walks in. "Mac, you ready to go?"

"Definitely," Mac says, grabbing his jacket.

"Hey, what are you guys doing?" Dennis asks.

"Umm… nothing," Mac says.

"Just going to visit the dump," Charlie adds. "Gonna find a new refrigerator."

"We don't need a refrigerator," Frank tells him.

"Maybe not right now," Charlie replies, "but do we really want to wait until it's too late? What happens if the fridge dies in the middle of a heat wave next summer? How would we keep the apartment cool?"

"Good point," Frank agrees.

Once they're outside, away from the others, Mac says, "Quick thinking with the refrigerator."

"It's important to keep your mind as sharp and ready as your weapons," Charlie says. "You can't wait until after an outbreak to start paying attention to mental health. The zombies won't give you time to gather your wits."

"I guess not," Mac agrees. "So where are we going?"

"Real estate office a few blocks down," Charlie says. "Made an appointment and everything."

"Very organized," Mac says, clearly impressed.

"I even have a list of what we should be looking for," Charlie says, smiling broadly. He pulls a sheet of paper out of his pocket and hands it to Mac.

"This is good stuff," Mac says, nodding approvingly. "I especially like the offshore oil rig."

"Handbook says it's the best place to be in an outbreak," Charlie says. "Zombies can't swim, and even if they could they can't climb the sides. It's a self-contained island fortress."

"Aren't they a little pricey, though?" Mac points out.

"But that's the best part," Charlie replies enthusiastically, now gesticulating wildly to punctuate each word. "It comes with all the equipment we need to drill for oil. All we have to do is promise a percentage of the profits and we'll be in business. Just set it up right in the middle of the river."

"And there aren't any rigs out there right now," Mac says, thinking through Charlie's plan.

"So all the oil will be ours," Charlie says, summing up the simple genius of his plan.

"I almost can't wait for the zombie apocalypse to start," Mac responds, grinning broadly.  
   
   


*     *     *     *     *

  
   
   
"Dennis!" Mac shouts as he hangs up the phone. "Dennis, get out here," he says after a few more seconds, now rubbing sleep from his eyes.

The door to Dennis's bedroom opens slowly, but all Mac can see is darkness within. Until, after a few moments, Dennis slowly emerges, his feet shuffling unsteadily. "Dude," Dennis mutters. "What are you yelling about? What if I have a chick in there?"

"You don't," Mac replies.

"But what if I did?"

"You don't," Mac says again. "Go get some clothes on; we have to go to the hospital."

"Dude, I'm still drunk," Dennis complains. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Frank's in the hospital," Mac says. And that gets his attention.

"What day is it?" Dennis asks.

"It's, umm… it's Saturday."

"Great," Dennis says, now starting to smile. He walks over to the couch and collapses into a satisfied, drunken heap. "So what happened?"

"I'm not sure," Mac admits. "Charlie just called and said Frank came staggering in a little while ago. He was barely walking, and every time Charlie asked a question Frank just moaned. So Charlie decided he'd turned into a zombie and beat him half to death."

"How?" Dennis asks.

"Huh?"

"Did he use his bare hands? A baseball bat? What?"

"He says he used a crowbar," Mac answers.

"Yes!" Dennis shouts jubilantly, jumping from the couch, his exhaustion banished in favor of inebriated mania. He starts dancing unsteadily for several moments, and then settles down when he sees the curious expression on Mac's face.

"I bet Dee the other day that I could get Charlie to attack Frank with a crowbar and put him in the hospital before Sunday," Dennis explains.

"No way."

"I did," Dennis assures him. "See, I knew Frank's Knights of Chaos Solstice Moot was last night, and that he'd be absolutely wrecked when he got home. So I left a copy of the Zombie Survival Guide outside their door, knowing Charlie would find it. Charlie being Charlie, he'd become obsessed with preparing for a zombie outbreak."

"And Charlie said you're the one who told him to get a crowbar," Mac points out.

"Right," Dennis says. "Telling him it was the best available weapon would almost guarantee that he'd sleep with it under his pillow from then on. So all I needed to do was wait a few days until Frank went out and got blitzed at the Solstice Moot. Charlie took care of the rest."

"That's brilliant," Mac says admiringly. "So how much you win?"

"Five bucks," Dennis says happily. "And it was _so_ worth it."  
   
   
__

Fin

  
  


End file.
